A Breast Cancer Fairy Tale

My name is Junice Santos and I was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer at 32-years-old. I was born in the Dominican Republic but was raised in Harlem, New York City! Currently, I am living AND thriving with metastatic breast cancer. I am a huge fan of Star Wars and Harry Potter! Regardless of my diagnosis, I choose every day to live to the fullest! I am fearless, silly, and a true kid at heart. I not-so-secretly think I’m a unicorn and am currently working hard to get more involved in the breast cancer community. Check me out on Instagram @TheYoungNTheMetastatic! Unicorn world domination coming soon! 


Once there was -- I’m trying to follow fairytale protocol here people -- a nerdy, Star Wars and Harry Potter obsessed princess desperately searching for her Prince Charming. She was 32-years-old and beginning to worry if she’d ever find a scruffy-looking-nerf-herder or wizard to call her own! She lived in a not-so-distant, often fruit compared place, called the Big Apple AKA New York City. 


For a year, the princess had been to numerous, very annoying appointments to visit a boobie doctor. She later would realize he was secretly a deli guy -- explanation on the way people. He was nice and all but she seriously wondered who told him she liked radiology techs making paninis out of her boobs every three months???


For reasons unbeknownst to the Hermione-wanna-be princess, her left boobie decided it was a leaky faucet. I mean come on -- no one except plumbers like leaky faucets! Band-aids became her nipple’s besties. The deli guy, a.k.a boobie doc or whatever you want to call him, kept telling her she was fine. Don’t let Prince Charming candidates use it as a stress ball he said! Who on earth told him she was even doing that! How rude -- stick to sandwiches and paninis she thought. But the “ press” kept saying she was “fine” and George Lucas began to wonder who in the galaxy was buying all these Vader band aids!

 

Sadly, the nerdy princess got her wish -- well half of it -- the panini press would no longer be making delicious lunch on her left tata! On Dec. 31, 2015, otherwise known as New Year's Eve, she was informed by the deli dude that her left boobie, her favorite one at that, was unfortunately plotting to stop production of all paninis PERMANENTLY -- you can gasp now -- dramatic effect is cool! Imagine her sadness at finding out this ingrate had been plotting against her all this time. 


The deli guy rolled his chair over and informed her of colleagues of his she’d need to get acquainted with sooner rather than later. One was apparently the lady responsible for cutting “into” the paninis. Oh great! Now someone was going to just take the whole panini away. The princess wondered where the nearest “anything but a deli” was for her lunch that day. She never wanted to see a panini EVER again! 


The second colleague could be classified as the sauce lady! She would give the nerdy princess some not-so-delicious or fun for that matter, “sauces” via her veins! Apparently, every two weeks for four months, the princess would get super saucy or shall I say super sick!

 

The last member of the elite leaky-faucet-fixing/panini making team, would be the guy who puts the panini in the press sorta. According to the deli guy, this was the easiest part! Yeah, except for a week after he was done with her, the princess would look like overdone BBQ. For zero dollars, luckily insurance covers all of this, this guy would press whatever the princess decided to put or not put in place of the leaky murderous tata! Fast forward, the Han Solo-less princess went with a temporary “boulder “ which was later replaced with her own fat from her not so flat tummy. Apparently, these deli people have an outside guy who dabbles in magic -- he reminded the princess of Neville Longbottom. He was handsome, quiet and didn’t realize how powerful or amazing he truly was! But I digress. The last guy would see the princess 29 times, how do I say this, to BURN the heck out of the panini -- wait no -- it was now known as the boulder! 


The princess, being the fearless one she was, paused the charming search and tackled the deli fiasco like a champ! On July 7, 2016, she met the panini cutter and found out the real culprit of leaky-faucet-gate was gone. She breathed a sigh of relief, cried tears of joy and went home. You guessed it -- to watch a marathon of Star Wars! The Prince Charming search could wait for another day.


The end or is it! I heard from a little bird the princess was last seen in Yonkers, New York -- no Prince Charming yet. Just letting the Han Solos know in case they are interested. She’s pretty awesome from what I hear -- assuming you’re into the Leia types.


The end... for real this time! 

©2017 Humor Beats Cancer | Humor Beats Cancer is a 501(c)(3) tax exempt nonprofit organization.

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